To that one follower out there...apologies for not writing for months and then being boring when I did start to write.
Today I am thankful to have a job. I watched people around me receive phone calls to 'come downstairs' which really meant 'you don't have a job here anymore' It's never nice. I imagine what it must be like to phone your family and tell them that kind of news; what situation it must put you in to suddenly be on your way home in the middle of the day when it feels like the rest of the world is at work, where you're supposed to be. I felt bad for everyone who got called down, but at the same time, so selfishly relieved that it wasn't me. I got to be one of those left behind as we gathered in groups to whisper and wonder and breath a sigh of relief.
Monday I was proud of the fact that I made a shopping list, stuck to it and had a menu plan for the week. Today I am over that and just want to get a pizza for dinner. By not freezing things, I'm forcing myself to cook them and it's good for our finances and good for our health, but I still resent it.
I'm off tomorrow to tackle a personal to do list (as opposed to the work one). I'm looking forward to getting random stuff done prior to our weekend house-guest and hopefully manage a walk with the dog. Ah, the dog. The best thing that's happened in ages. I don't know how people with children leave them to go to work because I am missing the dog every day and sometimes wonder how I could swing it to work from home just so she doesn't have to be alone. I act like it would be for her, but really it would be for me because she's so absolutely lovely. I've turned into one of those dog people.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Dec 2 2009
Day Two.
I joined a gym again. The 4 month hiatus has not been restful; it's been a hassle because I have no routine and I hate the way I feel when I'm not working out. If I had a nickle for every time I bring my gym stuff to work and then do nothing...I'd be rich.
I have lots of desire and very little discipline. I wish I were the type who actually benefited from the daily walks with the dog.
Tomorrow night is the introduction to this new gym. I hate gym introductions. I'd much rather just go and work out.
Thinking about the gym and not working out and how much I eat has instantly propelled me into a funk. It's pathological - I know what to do to feel better and I certainly know what not to do to avoid feeling this bad. This is familiar and not in a good way.
I joined a gym again. The 4 month hiatus has not been restful; it's been a hassle because I have no routine and I hate the way I feel when I'm not working out. If I had a nickle for every time I bring my gym stuff to work and then do nothing...I'd be rich.
I have lots of desire and very little discipline. I wish I were the type who actually benefited from the daily walks with the dog.
Tomorrow night is the introduction to this new gym. I hate gym introductions. I'd much rather just go and work out.
Thinking about the gym and not working out and how much I eat has instantly propelled me into a funk. It's pathological - I know what to do to feel better and I certainly know what not to do to avoid feeling this bad. This is familiar and not in a good way.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Dec 1 2009
It's 4pm, I'm finding it hard to concentrate on the 'to do' list, I've got a full cup of coffee and am inspired by someone else who vowed to write every day during the month of December.
I've left this site lingering for way too long. It's a shame because enough big stuff has happened over the past months. Would have made good reading.
This feels strange, a bit rusty. I think I'll type a list and hope (assume) that things will flow again soon.
Dinner menu this week:
Monday - turkey burgers, sweet potato fries, quinoa and black bean salad
Tuesday - Thai Salmon wrapped in filo, string beans with mushrooms
Wednesday - prawns in lemon sauce with whole wheat pasta
Thursday - taco's with turkey mince
Friday - pizza from simply fresh
nope, nothing yet. I'll try again tomorrow.
I've left this site lingering for way too long. It's a shame because enough big stuff has happened over the past months. Would have made good reading.
This feels strange, a bit rusty. I think I'll type a list and hope (assume) that things will flow again soon.
Dinner menu this week:
Monday - turkey burgers, sweet potato fries, quinoa and black bean salad
Tuesday - Thai Salmon wrapped in filo, string beans with mushrooms
Wednesday - prawns in lemon sauce with whole wheat pasta
Thursday - taco's with turkey mince
Friday - pizza from simply fresh
nope, nothing yet. I'll try again tomorrow.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Well the ennui seems to have been replaced with something bigger and more.serious. So much so that I've got an actual issue on my hands. No, I can't write about it here. No, I'm not dying and yes, maybe someday I'll tell you about it. Possibly. This is one of Those Things and I'm going to have to just get on and deal with it. Not in the plan.
Why is it that if I don't love my job, I am up at 6am on a saturday to dial into work? because my over-achiever ways are hard to deny. I'm bitter about it; not so much the work because it's hard to complain too much when in pj's. But the principle of it all. The lack of real kudos for going the extra mile. The guilt I feel if I leave before 5pm. It's messed up in the big corporate way. Hate it.
So I've got to go look at houses today. Still feels surreal. Apparantly I can't live in an apartment forever?
Had a date last night. Rocky start for the following reason: when husband plans the date and makes a big-ish deal out of it, said husband is huge jerk for then going for drinks after work. Yes, we still made our date, but the point is that he should have said 'no, i have a date' which is what would have happened if we weren't actually married. I let him have it and then feared that I'd ruined the date. But how else will he learn? I don't ask for much and I'm not generally a demanding person. This has back-fired on me. He told me this week that he's realized recently that he takes me for granted. Then he goes and does this. Who is the bigger fool here? I don't really want to be the teacher all the time. I know that marriage is hard work, but I didn't realize in how many facets and how often. I envisioned big things, and missed the daily, which is often harder and difficult to define.
We saw Slumdog Millionaire and I get all the praise it's getting. Don't ask me to explain, I just really liked it. Especially grateful for the credit as that broke the tension a bit I felt. Long time since I've been at a film where people did not jump up immediately when it ended. I like that.
Rest of the weekend is a mad dash (reason #1 I'm up at 6 working) of open houses and a fundraiser and a basketball game and Chinese New Year. I'll be exhausted by Monday.
Why is it that if I don't love my job, I am up at 6am on a saturday to dial into work? because my over-achiever ways are hard to deny. I'm bitter about it; not so much the work because it's hard to complain too much when in pj's. But the principle of it all. The lack of real kudos for going the extra mile. The guilt I feel if I leave before 5pm. It's messed up in the big corporate way. Hate it.
So I've got to go look at houses today. Still feels surreal. Apparantly I can't live in an apartment forever?
Had a date last night. Rocky start for the following reason: when husband plans the date and makes a big-ish deal out of it, said husband is huge jerk for then going for drinks after work. Yes, we still made our date, but the point is that he should have said 'no, i have a date' which is what would have happened if we weren't actually married. I let him have it and then feared that I'd ruined the date. But how else will he learn? I don't ask for much and I'm not generally a demanding person. This has back-fired on me. He told me this week that he's realized recently that he takes me for granted. Then he goes and does this. Who is the bigger fool here? I don't really want to be the teacher all the time. I know that marriage is hard work, but I didn't realize in how many facets and how often. I envisioned big things, and missed the daily, which is often harder and difficult to define.
We saw Slumdog Millionaire and I get all the praise it's getting. Don't ask me to explain, I just really liked it. Especially grateful for the credit as that broke the tension a bit I felt. Long time since I've been at a film where people did not jump up immediately when it ended. I like that.
Rest of the weekend is a mad dash (reason #1 I'm up at 6 working) of open houses and a fundraiser and a basketball game and Chinese New Year. I'll be exhausted by Monday.
Monday, 29 December 2008
The Blues
I saw a program with a segment on post-holiday blues and I thought 'hm, don't have that' Partly because Christmas isn't CHRISTMAS anymore to me. We don't celebrate it as a big family anymore; instead we have mini-celebrations throughtout the season with whomever is around. Partly because I'm not 8 years old anymore. Partly because I've spent a couple of Christmas holidays on a beach instead of home and that was cool too.
Christmas is still one of my favourites, but the magic seems to be gone. Instead of fighting that and feeling bad about it, I find that it just 'is'.
I took today off work to avoid losing vacation days and I find that the post-visiting-my-mom blues have found me. When I'm not around her I have perspective and I am selfish. But after spending 8 days with her I am sad and I miss her. The larger background being that I've already lost one parent and I just know how much it's going to suck when she goes too. It's in the back of my mind a lot and takes my breath away with anticipation. Can't help it.
Logically I realize that I cannot live with my mother anymore. I have a husband and a home here, but a part of me does want to go home. I want to get up every morning and watch the sun rise over the mountains and walk the dogs twice a day to realize that saying 'a tired dog is a good dog' I want to watch home improvement shows with her in front of the fire with the cedar scented candle burning nearby. I want the quiet times between us and I want the moments where we laugh so much tears come down my cheeks.
This visit was a bit different. It was my week to take care of my mom post elbow surgery #2. I learned how to dress the wounds and make sure she eats well and help her get cleaned up. I drove her to her follow up appointment and I nagged her about doing her arm exercises. I made her eat fruit and veg and stand in front of the back door to breath fresh air. I took care of her and I'm so thankful that I'm here to do that. And I can go back to help more. My sister is there now and the following week my aunt will be there with her. I'm not sure who will help out after that, but we're all taking it one day at a time. My mother confessed that she's frustrated and scared of getting old. That being without her arm for a while makes her realize how vulnerable she is if something goes wrong. I can't tell her that that will never happen because i don't know. But I hope she finds solace in the fact that we are all there for her and we want to help her. I think my biggest contribution was shaving her legs and painting her toenails bright red.
David joined me mid-week and I was so excited to see him. I was a bit freaked out by the prospect of something going wrong with my mother's arm on my watch and needed David to help me out (mentally). I picked him up at the bus station with a big smile on my face. But after a couple of days, that was hard too. I felt torn between guaranteeing my mother's needs and making sure that David was okay too. My mom was the priority but I felt his frustration at being stuck in the house. He suggested going out for breakfast and I had to remind him that she's not strong enough for that yet. It would have been cruel to wear her out for the sake of pancakes. I tried to appease with the idea of going snow-shoeing but then changed my mind because I was there for her and going off for a couple of hours wasn't the plan. We bickered the last night and I resented his mood and resented that I had to choose.
I chose my mom and I'm not sure what the right thing to do was.
We got over the bickering and spoke about it and it's fine now, but I have not been in a situation where I had to choose before and I feel a bit off about it.
I'm waiting to get back in the habit of living here and not missing there. Looking for a balance.
Before I left for Vermont, I already couldn't wait to get home. Then I found it hard to leave Vermont. Typical.
Christmas is still one of my favourites, but the magic seems to be gone. Instead of fighting that and feeling bad about it, I find that it just 'is'.
I took today off work to avoid losing vacation days and I find that the post-visiting-my-mom blues have found me. When I'm not around her I have perspective and I am selfish. But after spending 8 days with her I am sad and I miss her. The larger background being that I've already lost one parent and I just know how much it's going to suck when she goes too. It's in the back of my mind a lot and takes my breath away with anticipation. Can't help it.
Logically I realize that I cannot live with my mother anymore. I have a husband and a home here, but a part of me does want to go home. I want to get up every morning and watch the sun rise over the mountains and walk the dogs twice a day to realize that saying 'a tired dog is a good dog' I want to watch home improvement shows with her in front of the fire with the cedar scented candle burning nearby. I want the quiet times between us and I want the moments where we laugh so much tears come down my cheeks.
This visit was a bit different. It was my week to take care of my mom post elbow surgery #2. I learned how to dress the wounds and make sure she eats well and help her get cleaned up. I drove her to her follow up appointment and I nagged her about doing her arm exercises. I made her eat fruit and veg and stand in front of the back door to breath fresh air. I took care of her and I'm so thankful that I'm here to do that. And I can go back to help more. My sister is there now and the following week my aunt will be there with her. I'm not sure who will help out after that, but we're all taking it one day at a time. My mother confessed that she's frustrated and scared of getting old. That being without her arm for a while makes her realize how vulnerable she is if something goes wrong. I can't tell her that that will never happen because i don't know. But I hope she finds solace in the fact that we are all there for her and we want to help her. I think my biggest contribution was shaving her legs and painting her toenails bright red.
David joined me mid-week and I was so excited to see him. I was a bit freaked out by the prospect of something going wrong with my mother's arm on my watch and needed David to help me out (mentally). I picked him up at the bus station with a big smile on my face. But after a couple of days, that was hard too. I felt torn between guaranteeing my mother's needs and making sure that David was okay too. My mom was the priority but I felt his frustration at being stuck in the house. He suggested going out for breakfast and I had to remind him that she's not strong enough for that yet. It would have been cruel to wear her out for the sake of pancakes. I tried to appease with the idea of going snow-shoeing but then changed my mind because I was there for her and going off for a couple of hours wasn't the plan. We bickered the last night and I resented his mood and resented that I had to choose.
I chose my mom and I'm not sure what the right thing to do was.
We got over the bickering and spoke about it and it's fine now, but I have not been in a situation where I had to choose before and I feel a bit off about it.
I'm waiting to get back in the habit of living here and not missing there. Looking for a balance.
Before I left for Vermont, I already couldn't wait to get home. Then I found it hard to leave Vermont. Typical.
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Update - Stateside
I'm sitting here at my desk, reminding myself that this is one of those simple moments that I was desperately wishing for a few weeks ago. Normalcy and routine.
The move was stressful. It was emotional. It was exhausting. We were both pre-occupied with our own concerns and...well, it just wasn't a great time. I think we weathered it well but I'm not in a hurry to do that again.
I love the vibe of this city so much more. I love that it's getting bone-chilling cold and everyone forgoes fashion for survival. I love that we're going to watch a Christmas tree being lit this weekend. It’s easier to fit in here; I have a confidence I never had in the UK. Its easier and more difficult in a million different ways.
I had not really considered the move back, because like everyone else, I assumed it would be easy. And then was surprised that it wasn't.
Now I have a routine. I have a route to work, I have a place to get lunch. I even have a new friend from work (ironically she's from London), I have a gym and a work-out routine there. For the moment, things feel comfortable.
Husband is travelling for work - this is something else I need to get used to. In London I was the one who packed a bag and went to the airport. Here, I'm the one who gets to stay behind. I don't mind it. Yet. Being on my own here isn't quite like being alone in London. I went to the gym, I spoke with my sister on the phone, I had some groceries delivered and I activated my zip car. All these things mean that I am HERE. I live here. This is my life now.
Question I am asked a lot: Do I miss London?
Um, I miss saying that I live London. I miss the concept of London. I want to tell people that I have not actually lived here for the past 8 years; I have to stop myself from explaining that I used to live there and don't think that I never left, I'm not one of those who never left. It's pathetic really, but difficult to stop. I've had comments about my accent and I'm sorry to realize that it's going already. It took me so long to get comfortable there and I am sad that that part is over.
The other question I am occasionally asked: Do I want to go back?
No. I just want people to know that I was there for some reason. I miss my flat and I miss Richmond. But if someone came up to me now and said I had to go back, I would be miserable. That must count for something.
The other question that keeps coming up: When are you going to have children?
We just moved across the freakin’ ocean. Isn’t that enough for a while?
The move was stressful. It was emotional. It was exhausting. We were both pre-occupied with our own concerns and...well, it just wasn't a great time. I think we weathered it well but I'm not in a hurry to do that again.
I love the vibe of this city so much more. I love that it's getting bone-chilling cold and everyone forgoes fashion for survival. I love that we're going to watch a Christmas tree being lit this weekend. It’s easier to fit in here; I have a confidence I never had in the UK. Its easier and more difficult in a million different ways.
I had not really considered the move back, because like everyone else, I assumed it would be easy. And then was surprised that it wasn't.
Now I have a routine. I have a route to work, I have a place to get lunch. I even have a new friend from work (ironically she's from London), I have a gym and a work-out routine there. For the moment, things feel comfortable.
Husband is travelling for work - this is something else I need to get used to. In London I was the one who packed a bag and went to the airport. Here, I'm the one who gets to stay behind. I don't mind it. Yet. Being on my own here isn't quite like being alone in London. I went to the gym, I spoke with my sister on the phone, I had some groceries delivered and I activated my zip car. All these things mean that I am HERE. I live here. This is my life now.
Question I am asked a lot: Do I miss London?
Um, I miss saying that I live London. I miss the concept of London. I want to tell people that I have not actually lived here for the past 8 years; I have to stop myself from explaining that I used to live there and don't think that I never left, I'm not one of those who never left. It's pathetic really, but difficult to stop. I've had comments about my accent and I'm sorry to realize that it's going already. It took me so long to get comfortable there and I am sad that that part is over.
The other question I am occasionally asked: Do I want to go back?
No. I just want people to know that I was there for some reason. I miss my flat and I miss Richmond. But if someone came up to me now and said I had to go back, I would be miserable. That must count for something.
The other question that keeps coming up: When are you going to have children?
We just moved across the freakin’ ocean. Isn’t that enough for a while?
Friday, 10 October 2008
This is my last day at work in this offic
Man...I am leaving tomorrow. TOMORROW.
I wish I could feel something. Its like I'm made of stone. I stood on the corner of a street in Hackney last night and my friend cried and cried and I patted her back and repeated 'it's fine, you'll be fine, it's fine' until finally I just said 'see ya' and left. I maintain that it's my brain in denial so there's no sadness.
I should pack up my London desk to be shipped to my new desk in Boston. Instead I type here and slowly sip my big latte and nibble free toast with crappy English peanut butter.
I am sure I used to cry quite easily. I have tried to force some tears, just to save face and look human, but so far, nothing. Stone woman, that's me.
My boss (who is 6'5" and tough looking) just said that he hopes he doesn't cry today. I laughed and asked someone else to take a photo if it does. Because I am horrible like that.
I wish I could feel something. Its like I'm made of stone. I stood on the corner of a street in Hackney last night and my friend cried and cried and I patted her back and repeated 'it's fine, you'll be fine, it's fine' until finally I just said 'see ya' and left. I maintain that it's my brain in denial so there's no sadness.
I should pack up my London desk to be shipped to my new desk in Boston. Instead I type here and slowly sip my big latte and nibble free toast with crappy English peanut butter.
I am sure I used to cry quite easily. I have tried to force some tears, just to save face and look human, but so far, nothing. Stone woman, that's me.
My boss (who is 6'5" and tough looking) just said that he hopes he doesn't cry today. I laughed and asked someone else to take a photo if it does. Because I am horrible like that.
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