The Blues

I saw a program with a segment on post-holiday blues and I thought 'hm, don't have that' Partly because Christmas isn't CHRISTMAS anymore to me. We don't celebrate it as a big family anymore; instead we have mini-celebrations throughtout the season with whomever is around. Partly because I'm not 8 years old anymore. Partly because I've spent a couple of Christmas holidays on a beach instead of home and that was cool too.
Christmas is still one of my favourites, but the magic seems to be gone. Instead of fighting that and feeling bad about it, I find that it just 'is'.

I took today off work to avoid losing vacation days and I find that the post-visiting-my-mom blues have found me. When I'm not around her I have perspective and I am selfish. But after spending 8 days with her I am sad and I miss her. The larger background being that I've already lost one parent and I just know how much it's going to suck when she goes too. It's in the back of my mind a lot and takes my breath away with anticipation. Can't help it.
Logically I realize that I cannot live with my mother anymore. I have a husband and a home here, but a part of me does want to go home. I want to get up every morning and watch the sun rise over the mountains and walk the dogs twice a day to realize that saying 'a tired dog is a good dog' I want to watch home improvement shows with her in front of the fire with the cedar scented candle burning nearby. I want the quiet times between us and I want the moments where we laugh so much tears come down my cheeks.

This visit was a bit different. It was my week to take care of my mom post elbow surgery #2. I learned how to dress the wounds and make sure she eats well and help her get cleaned up. I drove her to her follow up appointment and I nagged her about doing her arm exercises. I made her eat fruit and veg and stand in front of the back door to breath fresh air. I took care of her and I'm so thankful that I'm here to do that. And I can go back to help more. My sister is there now and the following week my aunt will be there with her. I'm not sure who will help out after that, but we're all taking it one day at a time. My mother confessed that she's frustrated and scared of getting old. That being without her arm for a while makes her realize how vulnerable she is if something goes wrong. I can't tell her that that will never happen because i don't know. But I hope she finds solace in the fact that we are all there for her and we want to help her. I think my biggest contribution was shaving her legs and painting her toenails bright red.

David joined me mid-week and I was so excited to see him. I was a bit freaked out by the prospect of something going wrong with my mother's arm on my watch and needed David to help me out (mentally). I picked him up at the bus station with a big smile on my face. But after a couple of days, that was hard too. I felt torn between guaranteeing my mother's needs and making sure that David was okay too. My mom was the priority but I felt his frustration at being stuck in the house. He suggested going out for breakfast and I had to remind him that she's not strong enough for that yet. It would have been cruel to wear her out for the sake of pancakes. I tried to appease with the idea of going snow-shoeing but then changed my mind because I was there for her and going off for a couple of hours wasn't the plan. We bickered the last night and I resented his mood and resented that I had to choose.
I chose my mom and I'm not sure what the right thing to do was.
We got over the bickering and spoke about it and it's fine now, but I have not been in a situation where I had to choose before and I feel a bit off about it.
I'm waiting to get back in the habit of living here and not missing there. Looking for a balance.

Before I left for Vermont, I already couldn't wait to get home. Then I found it hard to leave Vermont. Typical.