One of the upsides to packing up my life (again) is finding stuff that I had forgotten about. Such as a printout from 1999 about how to 'manage me' in a work environment. I vaguely remember this one day course...I have no idea what I was meant to get out of this, but flipping through it, I paused on a page that contained:
KEYS TO MOTIVATING
Carol wants:
-specific questions - not general or open-ended
-Operating procedures in writing
-No sudden changes in procedure
-Proof that the idea has been tested and has worked for others
-Limited exposure to new procedures
-Reassurance she is doing the job right
-Activities she can start and finish
-Instructions so she can do the job right the first time
-Advancement when she is ready
-High quality work standards
-To be part of a quality-oriented work group.
I can honestly say that I have not changed one bit in 9 years. I still feel exactly this way and it explains why I get frustrated so often with my job. My favourite is 'proof that the idea has been tested and worked for others' because this so does not happen for me.
I showed David this list so he's prepared on how to deal with me.
It's been one of those stabby times at work. The days fly by and I stress eat a lot and have only had to hold in tears once so far. Not too bad for me. And the funny thing is that I am so incredibly happy that they are going to let me continue to do this job when I move. I am actually grateful for this stress (actually I am grateful for the paycheck).
Monday, 29 September 2008
Monday, 15 September 2008
New Home
Okay, still no sign of an actual lease, but correspondence with the landlords is good enough for me. I can actually stop worrying about that now. Phew. Do you know that a landlord is not legally required to supply a hard copy of a lease for 2 weeks after the lease begins? Well, now you do.
some sad news from home today.
weekend included going to the doctors with David to make sure a mole on the back of his eye was harmless. It is. But good thing I was there because they dilated his pupils so much he couldn't see properly for about 3 hours.
Being scared twice by birds. The first time I was making the bed when I saw a flash of vibrant green in the window. Looking outside, I saw about 15 bright green parakeets outside the window. They flew away before I could get a photo. I'd heard of these rogue parakeets before - apparantly a couple escaped from homes and now there is a colony (flock?)
The second time we were eating donuts on Brighton Pier and a huge seagull took a piece right out of David's hand. A second seagull swooped down while he was distracted by the first and took the rest of the donut from his hand. I so wish I had a picture of that. From my vantage point, it was David's face with a WTF expression and a large white wing-span just behind him. I laughed for ages.
Watching the Great River race and wondering why British people don't clap and cheer.
Watching a motorbike stunt exhibition and also wondering why British people don't clap or cheer. The man on the bike was driving over another person and still people just observed with no emotion.
Visiting the spot where David proposed to me. Don't know when we'll be back there so it was kind of bittersweet. Also dreadfully hot and uncomfortable. Why is it hot now?
Eating too much bad food. And a lot of cheese.
some sad news from home today.
weekend included going to the doctors with David to make sure a mole on the back of his eye was harmless. It is. But good thing I was there because they dilated his pupils so much he couldn't see properly for about 3 hours.
Being scared twice by birds. The first time I was making the bed when I saw a flash of vibrant green in the window. Looking outside, I saw about 15 bright green parakeets outside the window. They flew away before I could get a photo. I'd heard of these rogue parakeets before - apparantly a couple escaped from homes and now there is a colony (flock?)
The second time we were eating donuts on Brighton Pier and a huge seagull took a piece right out of David's hand. A second seagull swooped down while he was distracted by the first and took the rest of the donut from his hand. I so wish I had a picture of that. From my vantage point, it was David's face with a WTF expression and a large white wing-span just behind him. I laughed for ages.
Watching the Great River race and wondering why British people don't clap and cheer.
Watching a motorbike stunt exhibition and also wondering why British people don't clap or cheer. The man on the bike was driving over another person and still people just observed with no emotion.
Visiting the spot where David proposed to me. Don't know when we'll be back there so it was kind of bittersweet. Also dreadfully hot and uncomfortable. Why is it hot now?
Eating too much bad food. And a lot of cheese.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
Patience
"Do you have a feeling that we're not as on top of things as we think we are?"
-"No, I think we're fine"
That was one of those questions that wasn't so much about the words, but more about the feelings behind the words...the slowly developing sense of panic and worry that we won't get everything done in time. Although I do appreciate his confidence in this matter.
I am not a calm, relaxed person. This was demonstrated Saturday night when I freaked over an email from the realtor. In my defense, her use of the words 'the landlords are reviewing the lease' should justify my panic. That lease begins in less than a week...what are they reviewing??? We spent time to look for this place, we wrote a check and we signed the papers. And now we would like confirmation that they have signed and it's okay to go ahead and start setting up utilities. If there was an issue, it would have been very helpful to have known about it when we were actually in the states. Not now. And now with a month to go until moving.
So I freaked. It was 11pm and I was a little drunk and I becaming increasingly upset. So my husband, being a rationale person, just phoned the realtor and left a message. But then, looking at my face, he dug out our copy of the lease and phoned the landlords directly. (He has no fear of the phone). He spoke to them and everything was fine. He failed to find out when they were actually going to provide a signed copy, but the conversation was positive and pleasant.
(It's 4 days later and I still have not seen that lease)
I'm trying to not over-react. I just want to know what is happening. I get like this. I got like this a lot during the visa process and a couple of times, I actually made the situation worse by charging in and not being patient. So I am making myself try to be calm and rationale about this.
My official 'to do' list is looking okay. It's the stuff that I mentally add, but don't write down, that is growing daily.
-"No, I think we're fine"
That was one of those questions that wasn't so much about the words, but more about the feelings behind the words...the slowly developing sense of panic and worry that we won't get everything done in time. Although I do appreciate his confidence in this matter.
I am not a calm, relaxed person. This was demonstrated Saturday night when I freaked over an email from the realtor. In my defense, her use of the words 'the landlords are reviewing the lease' should justify my panic. That lease begins in less than a week...what are they reviewing??? We spent time to look for this place, we wrote a check and we signed the papers. And now we would like confirmation that they have signed and it's okay to go ahead and start setting up utilities. If there was an issue, it would have been very helpful to have known about it when we were actually in the states. Not now. And now with a month to go until moving.
So I freaked. It was 11pm and I was a little drunk and I becaming increasingly upset. So my husband, being a rationale person, just phoned the realtor and left a message. But then, looking at my face, he dug out our copy of the lease and phoned the landlords directly. (He has no fear of the phone). He spoke to them and everything was fine. He failed to find out when they were actually going to provide a signed copy, but the conversation was positive and pleasant.
(It's 4 days later and I still have not seen that lease)
I'm trying to not over-react. I just want to know what is happening. I get like this. I got like this a lot during the visa process and a couple of times, I actually made the situation worse by charging in and not being patient. So I am making myself try to be calm and rationale about this.
My official 'to do' list is looking okay. It's the stuff that I mentally add, but don't write down, that is growing daily.
Friday, 5 September 2008
what i think about when i'm commuting to work
My job has nothing to do with me. Aside from my compulsion to do a good job; and the fact that I am a total sucker for a good review, I don't really like it. I know I have to work and this is what I do, but I still dream about finding something that I have a passion for. When I work out how many hours of each week, month, year I spend at that desk I get a sad feeling; I wonder if this is what my life is really all about. Was I born to do this.
So I try to read and take an interest in things outside of the 9-5 to keep my brain alive and to basically not give up hope. To remind myself that I am more than that person at the desk. I used to have a much quicker mind and definitely a greater vocabulary than now. I don't want to go back in time, but I wouldn't mind reconnecting a bit with the english student I used to be. Cooking is one of my outlets and I took an intro course in archery this summer. I bought and have failed to learn Photoshop (will do this, I just don't know when). I want to take tennis lessons and sit in on more lectures. I aspire to have my act together enough to actually volunteer regularly somewhere.
Does the stuff make me a better person? Or do I become a better person and then the stuff I do becomes better?
My daily commute right now goes like this: get up about 6:30, shower, dress, etc...and out the door by 7:15 for a 7:27 tube. Sit on tube for about 40-45 minutes. Exit tube station and then a 15-20 minute walk to my office. In the evenings I leave work, walk 15-20 minutes to the station, take a 5 minute tube to waterloo station and then catch a train which is anywhere from 15-25 minutes depending on how many stops. On a good day I can be home in an hour. On a bad day it takes me 1.5+ hours to get to work in the morning.
When we move, my daily commute will go something like this: get up, have coffee, watch a bit of tv, maybe read for a bit or go for a run. Leave apartment, walk 10 minutes, be at desk. I will get, on average, 2 hours a day back in my life. My commute home will be 10 minutes. This excites me more than it should. Also means that in about a year when we want to buy a house, I'm going to be so spoilt that any sort of journey that does not soley involve walking will feel like a big, huge burden.
So I try to read and take an interest in things outside of the 9-5 to keep my brain alive and to basically not give up hope. To remind myself that I am more than that person at the desk. I used to have a much quicker mind and definitely a greater vocabulary than now. I don't want to go back in time, but I wouldn't mind reconnecting a bit with the english student I used to be. Cooking is one of my outlets and I took an intro course in archery this summer. I bought and have failed to learn Photoshop (will do this, I just don't know when). I want to take tennis lessons and sit in on more lectures. I aspire to have my act together enough to actually volunteer regularly somewhere.
Does the stuff make me a better person? Or do I become a better person and then the stuff I do becomes better?
My daily commute right now goes like this: get up about 6:30, shower, dress, etc...and out the door by 7:15 for a 7:27 tube. Sit on tube for about 40-45 minutes. Exit tube station and then a 15-20 minute walk to my office. In the evenings I leave work, walk 15-20 minutes to the station, take a 5 minute tube to waterloo station and then catch a train which is anywhere from 15-25 minutes depending on how many stops. On a good day I can be home in an hour. On a bad day it takes me 1.5+ hours to get to work in the morning.
When we move, my daily commute will go something like this: get up, have coffee, watch a bit of tv, maybe read for a bit or go for a run. Leave apartment, walk 10 minutes, be at desk. I will get, on average, 2 hours a day back in my life. My commute home will be 10 minutes. This excites me more than it should. Also means that in about a year when we want to buy a house, I'm going to be so spoilt that any sort of journey that does not soley involve walking will feel like a big, huge burden.
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Day One
Well, this is very exciting. similar to getting a new piece of elctronic equipment and not wanting to tear the protective cover off just yet. A new blog. A new place to write. A determination to not be all angsty and stuff. I'm struggling to find what I feel is my 'true' voice and hopefully over time, I'll get there with this site.
Husband and I decided approximately 2.5 years ago that it would be a very good idea to live in the United States. Not a big stretch for me, as I am from there and I guess everyone assumed that one day I would return home. At that time we were not married and so once we had done that, it seem natural to explore the actual possibilty of moving. Boy, were we naive. It's a long and sort of boring story, full of ups and downs and quite a lot of swear words, but in the end we got the visa and he's now got a temporary green card and all is well in the world.
A little over two weeks ago, we flew to the states to get his visa stamped and get some other stuff sorted out. I worried for most of the flight that there would be a problem at immigration, but it was all fine and we were blinking in the sunlight in under 30 minutes. I felt weird for the first day or two - all unsure of our decision and suddenly missing our flat in London. Sometimes I get pangs of homesickness and it's the most unsettling of feelings because I don't even know what home I want to go to. That's how I felt when we arrived.
It went away though and as things started to go well, we both became very excited about it all. I met up with some old friends and I saw my family and it all started to feel very, very right.
Now I'm back in London for about 6 weeks to sort things out on this side of the pond and I'm anxious to get back. Which is far favorable to the feelings of being unsure. Either I am practical or I am fickle because my allegiance to here has suddenly been replaced by my desire to be there.
I am both full of fond memories for here while also containing a stomach of butterflies for there. I want to run and smile and also hide under the duvet. I am conflicted and thrilled...I am probably just about right for this time of big change.
We got back on Saturday morning and fought the jet lag to see REM at Twickenham. I loved the show and thanks to the 3 red bulls I consumed, I enjoyed it all. The fact that we were home within 15 minutes thanks to the free bus service and also able to pick up take-away Indian food made it a near perfect night. Standing in the middle of the stadium with our plastic cups of beer I felt really happy that we still do this stuff. We haven't turned into boring married people yet. Although we did limit ourselves to only 3 beers each, so I guess we are more mature than we used to be.
So far this week I have made thai green prawns & thai fishcakes, salad with grilled halloumi and quorn and hamburgers with fries. The goal is to eat everything the freezer and pantry, so meals may be a little lacking in interest for the next few weeks.
Husband and I decided approximately 2.5 years ago that it would be a very good idea to live in the United States. Not a big stretch for me, as I am from there and I guess everyone assumed that one day I would return home. At that time we were not married and so once we had done that, it seem natural to explore the actual possibilty of moving. Boy, were we naive. It's a long and sort of boring story, full of ups and downs and quite a lot of swear words, but in the end we got the visa and he's now got a temporary green card and all is well in the world.
A little over two weeks ago, we flew to the states to get his visa stamped and get some other stuff sorted out. I worried for most of the flight that there would be a problem at immigration, but it was all fine and we were blinking in the sunlight in under 30 minutes. I felt weird for the first day or two - all unsure of our decision and suddenly missing our flat in London. Sometimes I get pangs of homesickness and it's the most unsettling of feelings because I don't even know what home I want to go to. That's how I felt when we arrived.
It went away though and as things started to go well, we both became very excited about it all. I met up with some old friends and I saw my family and it all started to feel very, very right.
Now I'm back in London for about 6 weeks to sort things out on this side of the pond and I'm anxious to get back. Which is far favorable to the feelings of being unsure. Either I am practical or I am fickle because my allegiance to here has suddenly been replaced by my desire to be there.
I am both full of fond memories for here while also containing a stomach of butterflies for there. I want to run and smile and also hide under the duvet. I am conflicted and thrilled...I am probably just about right for this time of big change.
We got back on Saturday morning and fought the jet lag to see REM at Twickenham. I loved the show and thanks to the 3 red bulls I consumed, I enjoyed it all. The fact that we were home within 15 minutes thanks to the free bus service and also able to pick up take-away Indian food made it a near perfect night. Standing in the middle of the stadium with our plastic cups of beer I felt really happy that we still do this stuff. We haven't turned into boring married people yet. Although we did limit ourselves to only 3 beers each, so I guess we are more mature than we used to be.
So far this week I have made thai green prawns & thai fishcakes, salad with grilled halloumi and quorn and hamburgers with fries. The goal is to eat everything the freezer and pantry, so meals may be a little lacking in interest for the next few weeks.
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