The Blues

I saw a program with a segment on post-holiday blues and I thought 'hm, don't have that' Partly because Christmas isn't CHRISTMAS anymore to me. We don't celebrate it as a big family anymore; instead we have mini-celebrations throughtout the season with whomever is around. Partly because I'm not 8 years old anymore. Partly because I've spent a couple of Christmas holidays on a beach instead of home and that was cool too.
Christmas is still one of my favourites, but the magic seems to be gone. Instead of fighting that and feeling bad about it, I find that it just 'is'.

I took today off work to avoid losing vacation days and I find that the post-visiting-my-mom blues have found me. When I'm not around her I have perspective and I am selfish. But after spending 8 days with her I am sad and I miss her. The larger background being that I've already lost one parent and I just know how much it's going to suck when she goes too. It's in the back of my mind a lot and takes my breath away with anticipation. Can't help it.
Logically I realize that I cannot live with my mother anymore. I have a husband and a home here, but a part of me does want to go home. I want to get up every morning and watch the sun rise over the mountains and walk the dogs twice a day to realize that saying 'a tired dog is a good dog' I want to watch home improvement shows with her in front of the fire with the cedar scented candle burning nearby. I want the quiet times between us and I want the moments where we laugh so much tears come down my cheeks.

This visit was a bit different. It was my week to take care of my mom post elbow surgery #2. I learned how to dress the wounds and make sure she eats well and help her get cleaned up. I drove her to her follow up appointment and I nagged her about doing her arm exercises. I made her eat fruit and veg and stand in front of the back door to breath fresh air. I took care of her and I'm so thankful that I'm here to do that. And I can go back to help more. My sister is there now and the following week my aunt will be there with her. I'm not sure who will help out after that, but we're all taking it one day at a time. My mother confessed that she's frustrated and scared of getting old. That being without her arm for a while makes her realize how vulnerable she is if something goes wrong. I can't tell her that that will never happen because i don't know. But I hope she finds solace in the fact that we are all there for her and we want to help her. I think my biggest contribution was shaving her legs and painting her toenails bright red.

David joined me mid-week and I was so excited to see him. I was a bit freaked out by the prospect of something going wrong with my mother's arm on my watch and needed David to help me out (mentally). I picked him up at the bus station with a big smile on my face. But after a couple of days, that was hard too. I felt torn between guaranteeing my mother's needs and making sure that David was okay too. My mom was the priority but I felt his frustration at being stuck in the house. He suggested going out for breakfast and I had to remind him that she's not strong enough for that yet. It would have been cruel to wear her out for the sake of pancakes. I tried to appease with the idea of going snow-shoeing but then changed my mind because I was there for her and going off for a couple of hours wasn't the plan. We bickered the last night and I resented his mood and resented that I had to choose.
I chose my mom and I'm not sure what the right thing to do was.
We got over the bickering and spoke about it and it's fine now, but I have not been in a situation where I had to choose before and I feel a bit off about it.
I'm waiting to get back in the habit of living here and not missing there. Looking for a balance.

Before I left for Vermont, I already couldn't wait to get home. Then I found it hard to leave Vermont. Typical.

Update - Stateside

I'm sitting here at my desk, reminding myself that this is one of those simple moments that I was desperately wishing for a few weeks ago. Normalcy and routine.

The move was stressful. It was emotional. It was exhausting. We were both pre-occupied with our own concerns and...well, it just wasn't a great time. I think we weathered it well but I'm not in a hurry to do that again.

I love the vibe of this city so much more. I love that it's getting bone-chilling cold and everyone forgoes fashion for survival. I love that we're going to watch a Christmas tree being lit this weekend. It’s easier to fit in here; I have a confidence I never had in the UK. Its easier and more difficult in a million different ways.
I had not really considered the move back, because like everyone else, I assumed it would be easy. And then was surprised that it wasn't.

Now I have a routine. I have a route to work, I have a place to get lunch. I even have a new friend from work (ironically she's from London), I have a gym and a work-out routine there. For the moment, things feel comfortable.

Husband is travelling for work - this is something else I need to get used to. In London I was the one who packed a bag and went to the airport. Here, I'm the one who gets to stay behind. I don't mind it. Yet. Being on my own here isn't quite like being alone in London. I went to the gym, I spoke with my sister on the phone, I had some groceries delivered and I activated my zip car. All these things mean that I am HERE. I live here. This is my life now.

Question I am asked a lot: Do I miss London?

Um, I miss saying that I live London. I miss the concept of London. I want to tell people that I have not actually lived here for the past 8 years; I have to stop myself from explaining that I used to live there and don't think that I never left, I'm not one of those who never left. It's pathetic really, but difficult to stop. I've had comments about my accent and I'm sorry to realize that it's going already. It took me so long to get comfortable there and I am sad that that part is over.

The other question I am occasionally asked: Do I want to go back?

No. I just want people to know that I was there for some reason. I miss my flat and I miss Richmond. But if someone came up to me now and said I had to go back, I would be miserable. That must count for something.

The other question that keeps coming up: When are you going to have children?

We just moved across the freakin’ ocean. Isn’t that enough for a while?

This is my last day at work in this offic

Man...I am leaving tomorrow. TOMORROW.

I wish I could feel something. Its like I'm made of stone. I stood on the corner of a street in Hackney last night and my friend cried and cried and I patted her back and repeated 'it's fine, you'll be fine, it's fine' until finally I just said 'see ya' and left. I maintain that it's my brain in denial so there's no sadness.

I should pack up my London desk to be shipped to my new desk in Boston. Instead I type here and slowly sip my big latte and nibble free toast with crappy English peanut butter.

I am sure I used to cry quite easily. I have tried to force some tears, just to save face and look human, but so far, nothing. Stone woman, that's me.

My boss (who is 6'5" and tough looking) just said that he hopes he doesn't cry today. I laughed and asked someone else to take a photo if it does. Because I am horrible like that.

one week to go...

This time next week I'll be in an airport. The majority of my belongings will be in a container (hopefully on a ship and even better...already on it's way across the Atlantic). I will be leaving London after 8 years.

There is a huge mixture of feelings about this. I'm excited, scared, sad, happy, stressed, bittersweet, worried, ecstatic. And more. I'm not as freaked out as I was when I moved here (God, that was an awful experience. Worth it, but still awful)

The goodbye process is stretching out, which makes me just want to get it over with. At the same time, I don't want to rush things too much either. It's going fast enough as it is. It's almost as though part of me just doesn't believe that I'm really leaving.

We had a leaving brunch last weekend and I didn't cry once. I had a great day hanging out with friends and eating lots of food and drinking too much red wine for a Sunday...but its just didn't sink in that I may never see some of these people again. That's it - I DO believe I'll see most of my friends again at some point, so this is just a 'see ya' not a 'goodbye'

A couple of weeks after we land, a good friend of mine who moved back to Australia...oh, 5 years ago will be in Boston on holiday. I get to see her and I'm sure I'll see her again over the years so there's no point in being sad that we're far apart. But so tickled that we get to meet up periodically as circumstances allow. Facebook may be a huge time-suckage means at work, but it really does help to keep in touch. Throw in email and a calling card & it's like I've never left.

I am seriously mourning moving from Richmond though. I will always miss walking here.

Proof that I am inflexible

One of the upsides to packing up my life (again) is finding stuff that I had forgotten about. Such as a printout from 1999 about how to 'manage me' in a work environment. I vaguely remember this one day course...I have no idea what I was meant to get out of this, but flipping through it, I paused on a page that contained:

KEYS TO MOTIVATING
Carol wants:
-specific questions - not general or open-ended
-Operating procedures in writing
-No sudden changes in procedure
-Proof that the idea has been tested and has worked for others
-Limited exposure to new procedures
-Reassurance she is doing the job right
-Activities she can start and finish
-Instructions so she can do the job right the first time
-Advancement when she is ready
-High quality work standards
-To be part of a quality-oriented work group.

I can honestly say that I have not changed one bit in 9 years. I still feel exactly this way and it explains why I get frustrated so often with my job. My favourite is 'proof that the idea has been tested and worked for others' because this so does not happen for me.
I showed David this list so he's prepared on how to deal with me.

It's been one of those stabby times at work. The days fly by and I stress eat a lot and have only had to hold in tears once so far. Not too bad for me. And the funny thing is that I am so incredibly happy that they are going to let me continue to do this job when I move. I am actually grateful for this stress (actually I am grateful for the paycheck).

New Home

Okay, still no sign of an actual lease, but correspondence with the landlords is good enough for me. I can actually stop worrying about that now. Phew. Do you know that a landlord is not legally required to supply a hard copy of a lease for 2 weeks after the lease begins? Well, now you do.

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some sad news from home today.

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weekend included going to the doctors with David to make sure a mole on the back of his eye was harmless. It is. But good thing I was there because they dilated his pupils so much he couldn't see properly for about 3 hours.

Being scared twice by birds. The first time I was making the bed when I saw a flash of vibrant green in the window. Looking outside, I saw about 15 bright green parakeets outside the window. They flew away before I could get a photo. I'd heard of these rogue parakeets before - apparantly a couple escaped from homes and now there is a colony (flock?)
The second time we were eating donuts on Brighton Pier and a huge seagull took a piece right out of David's hand. A second seagull swooped down while he was distracted by the first and took the rest of the donut from his hand. I so wish I had a picture of that. From my vantage point, it was David's face with a WTF expression and a large white wing-span just behind him. I laughed for ages.

Watching the Great River race and wondering why British people don't clap and cheer.
Watching a motorbike stunt exhibition and also wondering why British people don't clap or cheer. The man on the bike was driving over another person and still people just observed with no emotion.

Visiting the spot where David proposed to me. Don't know when we'll be back there so it was kind of bittersweet. Also dreadfully hot and uncomfortable. Why is it hot now?

Eating too much bad food. And a lot of cheese.

Patience

"Do you have a feeling that we're not as on top of things as we think we are?"
-"No, I think we're fine"

That was one of those questions that wasn't so much about the words, but more about the feelings behind the words...the slowly developing sense of panic and worry that we won't get everything done in time. Although I do appreciate his confidence in this matter.

I am not a calm, relaxed person. This was demonstrated Saturday night when I freaked over an email from the realtor. In my defense, her use of the words 'the landlords are reviewing the lease' should justify my panic. That lease begins in less than a week...what are they reviewing??? We spent time to look for this place, we wrote a check and we signed the papers. And now we would like confirmation that they have signed and it's okay to go ahead and start setting up utilities. If there was an issue, it would have been very helpful to have known about it when we were actually in the states. Not now. And now with a month to go until moving.
So I freaked. It was 11pm and I was a little drunk and I becaming increasingly upset. So my husband, being a rationale person, just phoned the realtor and left a message. But then, looking at my face, he dug out our copy of the lease and phoned the landlords directly. (He has no fear of the phone). He spoke to them and everything was fine. He failed to find out when they were actually going to provide a signed copy, but the conversation was positive and pleasant.

(It's 4 days later and I still have not seen that lease)

I'm trying to not over-react. I just want to know what is happening. I get like this. I got like this a lot during the visa process and a couple of times, I actually made the situation worse by charging in and not being patient. So I am making myself try to be calm and rationale about this.

My official 'to do' list is looking okay. It's the stuff that I mentally add, but don't write down, that is growing daily.