carolspeak

2011 Lookback

2012-01-04T05:52:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Went to Jamaica, went zip-lining, got a 2nd dog, bought a kayak, had an epidural shot in my lumbar spine , hosted my in-laws for almost two weeks, visited Orlando/Universal Studios, visited America’s Test Kitchen

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
No, I forget them as soon as I make them. But yes, I will blindly try again. Lose weight, be more healthy, overhaul my closet, be nicer

3 Did anyone close to you give birth? 
My good friend gave birth to my goddaughter

4 Did anyone close to you die?
No

5 What countries did you visit?
Jamaica

6 What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
No pain in my lower back. A baby. A job I love (or at least one I don’t hate)

7 What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Jamaica, back pain stuff, dentist stuff, losing my mother on her return trip from Alaska. Dinner in Orlando, the Harry Potter ride at Universal Studios

8 What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Cleaning out my closet. Eating better

9 What was your biggest failure?
Staying at the same job for so long

10 Did you suffer illness or injury?
Unfortunately yes. The herniated disc really kicked my ass for most of 2011

11 What was the best thing you bought?
Getting our house painted was the best thing we paid money for. Everything I bought from Athleta was pretty nice too. Love the ipad

12 Where did most of your money go?
The house. Coffee.

13 What did you get really excited about?
My husband’s birthday weekend on Lake Winnipesaukee

14 What song will always remind you of 2011?
Little Lion Man and the Dog Days of Summer (I played these a lot)

15. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
– happier or sadder? Happier. This time last year I had just had surgery to remove a melanoma. Scary times.
– thinner or fatter? Fatter. This time last year I was thin due to all the stress of the melanoma.
– richer or poorer? same

16. What do you wish you’d done more of? 
Laughed and stayed out of my own head so much.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of? 
I wish I had not stressed so much about work so often. I also wish I hadn't been so crabby to my husband when I my back was hurting. It wasn't his fault and he always got the worst of my moods.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
At home with family.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
True Blood, Homeland, Modern Family, The Amazing Race

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Night Circus, Divergent, Room, The Primal Blueprint, Under Fishbone Clouds, Bossypants, A Dog’s Purpose all of the True Blood books, 22 Britannia Road, Ready Player One

21. What was your favorite music from this year? 
Mumford & Sons, Florence & the Machine, Adele

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Harry Potter, The Help, The Town, Girl with a Dragon Tattoo

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 37 and we stayed in a hotel in Boston; had dinner in the North End and enjoyed a day of walking around the city and remembering when we didn’t own a house.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A baby. A job I love. okay, that's two things.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Comfort.

26. What kept you sane?
My husband, my dog, walking, reading, coffee, wine, friends, laughing

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. 
Don’t sweat the small stuff; its not worth it. Everything passes.

Dec 3 2009

2009-12-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

To that one follower out there...apologies for not writing for months and then being boring when I did start to write.

Today I am thankful to have a job. I watched people around me receive phone calls to 'come downstairs' which really meant 'you don't have a job here anymore' It's never nice. I imagine what it must be like to phone your family and tell them that kind of news; what situation it must put you in to suddenly be on your way home in the middle of the day when it feels like the rest of the world is at work, where you're supposed to be. I felt bad for everyone who got called down, but at the same time, so selfishly relieved that it wasn't me. I got to be one of those left behind as we gathered in groups to whisper and wonder and breath a sigh of relief.

Monday I was proud of the fact that I made a shopping list, stuck to it and had a menu plan for the week. Today I am over that and just want to get a pizza for dinner. By not freezing things, I'm forcing myself to cook them and it's good for our finances and good for our health, but I still resent it.

I'm off tomorrow to tackle a personal to do list (as opposed to the work one). I'm looking forward to getting random stuff done prior to our weekend house-guest and hopefully manage a walk with the dog. Ah, the dog. The best thing that's happened in ages. I don't know how people with children leave them to go to work because I am missing the dog every day and sometimes wonder how I could swing it to work from home just so she doesn't have to be alone. I act like it would be for her, but really it would be for me because she's so absolutely lovely. I've turned into one of those dog people.

Dec 2 2009

2009-12-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

Day Two.

I joined a gym again. The 4 month hiatus has not been restful; it's been a hassle because I have no routine and I hate the way I feel when I'm not working out. If I had a nickle for every time I bring my gym stuff to work and then do nothing...I'd be rich.
I have lots of desire and very little discipline. I wish I were the type who actually benefited from the daily walks with the dog.

Tomorrow night is the introduction to this new gym. I hate gym introductions. I'd much rather just go and work out.

Thinking about the gym and not working out and how much I eat has instantly propelled me into a funk. It's pathological - I know what to do to feel better and I certainly know what not to do to avoid feeling this bad. This is familiar and not in a good way.

Dec 1 2009

2009-12-01T13:04:00.000-08:00

It's 4pm, I'm finding it hard to concentrate on the 'to do' list, I've got a full cup of coffee and am inspired by someone else who vowed to write every day during the month of December.

I've left this site lingering for way too long. It's a shame because enough big stuff has happened over the past months. Would have made good reading.

This feels strange, a bit rusty. I think I'll type a list and hope (assume) that things will flow again soon.

Dinner menu this week:
Monday - turkey burgers, sweet potato fries, quinoa and black bean salad
Tuesday - Thai Salmon wrapped in filo, string beans with mushrooms
Wednesday - prawns in lemon sauce with whole wheat pasta
Thursday - taco's with turkey mince
Friday - pizza from simply fresh

nope, nothing yet. I'll try again tomorrow.

2009-01-24T03:51:00.000-08:00

Well the ennui seems to have been replaced with something bigger and more.serious. So much so that I've got an actual issue on my hands. No, I can't write about it here. No, I'm not dying and yes, maybe someday I'll tell you about it. Possibly. This is one of Those Things and I'm going to have to just get on and deal with it. Not in the plan.

Why is it that if I don't love my job, I am up at 6am on a saturday to dial into work? because my over-achiever ways are hard to deny. I'm bitter about it; not so much the work because it's hard to complain too much when in pj's. But the principle of it all. The lack of real kudos for going the extra mile. The guilt I feel if I leave before 5pm. It's messed up in the big corporate way. Hate it.

So I've got to go look at houses today. Still feels surreal. Apparantly I can't live in an apartment forever?

Had a date last night. Rocky start for the following reason: when husband plans the date and makes a big-ish deal out of it, said husband is huge jerk for then going for drinks after work. Yes, we still made our date, but the point is that he should have said 'no, i have a date' which is what would have happened if we weren't actually married. I let him have it and then feared that I'd ruined the date. But how else will he learn? I don't ask for much and I'm not generally a demanding person. This has back-fired on me. He told me this week that he's realized recently that he takes me for granted. Then he goes and does this. Who is the bigger fool here? I don't really want to be the teacher all the time. I know that marriage is hard work, but I didn't realize in how many facets and how often. I envisioned big things, and missed the daily, which is often harder and difficult to define.
We saw Slumdog Millionaire and I get all the praise it's getting. Don't ask me to explain, I just really liked it. Especially grateful for the credit as that broke the tension a bit I felt. Long time since I've been at a film where people did not jump up immediately when it ended. I like that.

Rest of the weekend is a mad dash (reason #1 I'm up at 6 working) of open houses and a fundraiser and a basketball game and Chinese New Year. I'll be exhausted by Monday.

The Blues

2008-12-29T07:06:00.000-08:00

I saw a program with a segment on post-holiday blues and I thought 'hm, don't have that' Partly because Christmas isn't CHRISTMAS anymore to me. We don't celebrate it as a big family anymore; instead we have mini-celebrations throughtout the season with whomever is around. Partly because I'm not 8 years old anymore. Partly because I've spent a couple of Christmas holidays on a beach instead of home and that was cool too.
Christmas is still one of my favourites, but the magic seems to be gone. Instead of fighting that and feeling bad about it, I find that it just 'is'.

I took today off work to avoid losing vacation days and I find that the post-visiting-my-mom blues have found me. When I'm not around her I have perspective and I am selfish. But after spending 8 days with her I am sad and I miss her. The larger background being that I've already lost one parent and I just know how much it's going to suck when she goes too. It's in the back of my mind a lot and takes my breath away with anticipation. Can't help it.
Logically I realize that I cannot live with my mother anymore. I have a husband and a home here, but a part of me does want to go home. I want to get up every morning and watch the sun rise over the mountains and walk the dogs twice a day to realize that saying 'a tired dog is a good dog' I want to watch home improvement shows with her in front of the fire with the cedar scented candle burning nearby. I want the quiet times between us and I want the moments where we laugh so much tears come down my cheeks.

This visit was a bit different. It was my week to take care of my mom post elbow surgery #2. I learned how to dress the wounds and make sure she eats well and help her get cleaned up. I drove her to her follow up appointment and I nagged her about doing her arm exercises. I made her eat fruit and veg and stand in front of the back door to breath fresh air. I took care of her and I'm so thankful that I'm here to do that. And I can go back to help more. My sister is there now and the following week my aunt will be there with her. I'm not sure who will help out after that, but we're all taking it one day at a time. My mother confessed that she's frustrated and scared of getting old. That being without her arm for a while makes her realize how vulnerable she is if something goes wrong. I can't tell her that that will never happen because i don't know. But I hope she finds solace in the fact that we are all there for her and we want to help her. I think my biggest contribution was shaving her legs and painting her toenails bright red.

David joined me mid-week and I was so excited to see him. I was a bit freaked out by the prospect of something going wrong with my mother's arm on my watch and needed David to help me out (mentally). I picked him up at the bus station with a big smile on my face. But after a couple of days, that was hard too. I felt torn between guaranteeing my mother's needs and making sure that David was okay too. My mom was the priority but I felt his frustration at being stuck in the house. He suggested going out for breakfast and I had to remind him that she's not strong enough for that yet. It would have been cruel to wear her out for the sake of pancakes. I tried to appease with the idea of going snow-shoeing but then changed my mind because I was there for her and going off for a couple of hours wasn't the plan. We bickered the last night and I resented his mood and resented that I had to choose.
I chose my mom and I'm not sure what the right thing to do was.
We got over the bickering and spoke about it and it's fine now, but I have not been in a situation where I had to choose before and I feel a bit off about it.
I'm waiting to get back in the habit of living here and not missing there. Looking for a balance.

Before I left for Vermont, I already couldn't wait to get home. Then I found it hard to leave Vermont. Typical.

Update - Stateside

2008-11-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here at my desk, reminding myself that this is one of those simple moments that I was desperately wishing for a few weeks ago. Normalcy and routine.

The move was stressful. It was emotional. It was exhausting. We were both pre-occupied with our own concerns and...well, it just wasn't a great time. I think we weathered it well but I'm not in a hurry to do that again.

I love the vibe of this city so much more. I love that it's getting bone-chilling cold and everyone forgoes fashion for survival. I love that we're going to watch a Christmas tree being lit this weekend. It’s easier to fit in here; I have a confidence I never had in the UK. Its easier and more difficult in a million different ways.
I had not really considered the move back, because like everyone else, I assumed it would be easy. And then was surprised that it wasn't.

Now I have a routine. I have a route to work, I have a place to get lunch. I even have a new friend from work (ironically she's from London), I have a gym and a work-out routine there. For the moment, things feel comfortable.

Husband is travelling for work - this is something else I need to get used to. In London I was the one who packed a bag and went to the airport. Here, I'm the one who gets to stay behind. I don't mind it. Yet. Being on my own here isn't quite like being alone in London. I went to the gym, I spoke with my sister on the phone, I had some groceries delivered and I activated my zip car. All these things mean that I am HERE. I live here. This is my life now.

Question I am asked a lot: Do I miss London?

Um, I miss saying that I live London. I miss the concept of London. I want to tell people that I have not actually lived here for the past 8 years; I have to stop myself from explaining that I used to live there and don't think that I never left, I'm not one of those who never left. It's pathetic really, but difficult to stop. I've had comments about my accent and I'm sorry to realize that it's going already. It took me so long to get comfortable there and I am sad that that part is over.

The other question I am occasionally asked: Do I want to go back?

No. I just want people to know that I was there for some reason. I miss my flat and I miss Richmond. But if someone came up to me now and said I had to go back, I would be miserable. That must count for something.

The other question that keeps coming up: When are you going to have children?

We just moved across the freakin’ ocean. Isn’t that enough for a while?

This is my last day at work in this offic

2008-10-10T01:42:00.000-07:00

Man...I am leaving tomorrow. TOMORROW.

I wish I could feel something. Its like I'm made of stone. I stood on the corner of a street in Hackney last night and my friend cried and cried and I patted her back and repeated 'it's fine, you'll be fine, it's fine' until finally I just said 'see ya' and left. I maintain that it's my brain in denial so there's no sadness.

I should pack up my London desk to be shipped to my new desk in Boston. Instead I type here and slowly sip my big latte and nibble free toast with crappy English peanut butter.

I am sure I used to cry quite easily. I have tried to force some tears, just to save face and look human, but so far, nothing. Stone woman, that's me.

My boss (who is 6'5" and tough looking) just said that he hopes he doesn't cry today. I laughed and asked someone else to take a photo if it does. Because I am horrible like that.

one week to go...

2008-10-04T01:36:00.001-07:00

This time next week I'll be in an airport. The majority of my belongings will be in a container (hopefully on a ship and even better...already on it's way across the Atlantic). I will be leaving London after 8 years.

There is a huge mixture of feelings about this. I'm excited, scared, sad, happy, stressed, bittersweet, worried, ecstatic. And more. I'm not as freaked out as I was when I moved here (God, that was an awful experience. Worth it, but still awful)

The goodbye process is stretching out, which makes me just want to get it over with. At the same time, I don't want to rush things too much either. It's going fast enough as it is. It's almost as though part of me just doesn't believe that I'm really leaving.

We had a leaving brunch last weekend and I didn't cry once. I had a great day hanging out with friends and eating lots of food and drinking too much red wine for a Sunday...but its just didn't sink in that I may never see some of these people again. That's it - I DO believe I'll see most of my friends again at some point, so this is just a 'see ya' not a 'goodbye'

A couple of weeks after we land, a good friend of mine who moved back to Australia...oh, 5 years ago will be in Boston on holiday. I get to see her and I'm sure I'll see her again over the years so there's no point in being sad that we're far apart. But so tickled that we get to meet up periodically as circumstances allow. Facebook may be a huge time-suckage means at work, but it really does help to keep in touch. Throw in email and a calling card & it's like I've never left.

I am seriously mourning moving from Richmond though. I will always miss walking here.

Proof that I am inflexible

2008-09-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

One of the upsides to packing up my life (again) is finding stuff that I had forgotten about. Such as a printout from 1999 about how to 'manage me' in a work environment. I vaguely remember this one day course...I have no idea what I was meant to get out of this, but flipping through it, I paused on a page that contained:

KEYS TO MOTIVATING
Carol wants:
-specific questions - not general or open-ended
-Operating procedures in writing
-No sudden changes in procedure
-Proof that the idea has been tested and has worked for others
-Limited exposure to new procedures
-Reassurance she is doing the job right
-Activities she can start and finish
-Instructions so she can do the job right the first time
-Advancement when she is ready
-High quality work standards
-To be part of a quality-oriented work group.

I can honestly say that I have not changed one bit in 9 years. I still feel exactly this way and it explains why I get frustrated so often with my job. My favourite is 'proof that the idea has been tested and worked for others' because this so does not happen for me.
I showed David this list so he's prepared on how to deal with me.

It's been one of those stabby times at work. The days fly by and I stress eat a lot and have only had to hold in tears once so far. Not too bad for me. And the funny thing is that I am so incredibly happy that they are going to let me continue to do this job when I move. I am actually grateful for this stress (actually I am grateful for the paycheck).

New Home

2008-09-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, still no sign of an actual lease, but correspondence with the landlords is good enough for me. I can actually stop worrying about that now. Phew. Do you know that a landlord is not legally required to supply a hard copy of a lease for 2 weeks after the lease begins? Well, now you do.

some sad news from home today.

weekend included going to the doctors with David to make sure a mole on the back of his eye was harmless. It is. But good thing I was there because they dilated his pupils so much he couldn't see properly for about 3 hours.

Being scared twice by birds. The first time I was making the bed when I saw a flash of vibrant green in the window. Looking outside, I saw about 15 bright green parakeets outside the window. They flew away before I could get a photo. I'd heard of these rogue parakeets before - apparantly a couple escaped from homes and now there is a colony (flock?)
The second time we were eating donuts on Brighton Pier and a huge seagull took a piece right out of David's hand. A second seagull swooped down while he was distracted by the first and took the rest of the donut from his hand. I so wish I had a picture of that. From my vantage point, it was David's face with a WTF expression and a large white wing-span just behind him. I laughed for ages.

Watching the Great River race and wondering why British people don't clap and cheer.
Watching a motorbike stunt exhibition and also wondering why British people don't clap or cheer. The man on the bike was driving over another person and still people just observed with no emotion.

Visiting the spot where David proposed to me. Don't know when we'll be back there so it was kind of bittersweet. Also dreadfully hot and uncomfortable. Why is it hot now?

Eating too much bad food. And a lot of cheese.

Patience

2008-09-10T01:39:00.000-07:00

"Do you have a feeling that we're not as on top of things as we think we are?"
-"No, I think we're fine"

That was one of those questions that wasn't so much about the words, but more about the feelings behind the words...the slowly developing sense of panic and worry that we won't get everything done in time. Although I do appreciate his confidence in this matter.

I am not a calm, relaxed person. This was demonstrated Saturday night when I freaked over an email from the realtor. In my defense, her use of the words 'the landlords are reviewing the lease' should justify my panic. That lease begins in less than a week...what are they reviewing??? We spent time to look for this place, we wrote a check and we signed the papers. And now we would like confirmation that they have signed and it's okay to go ahead and start setting up utilities. If there was an issue, it would have been very helpful to have known about it when we were actually in the states. Not now. And now with a month to go until moving.
So I freaked. It was 11pm and I was a little drunk and I becaming increasingly upset. So my husband, being a rationale person, just phoned the realtor and left a message. But then, looking at my face, he dug out our copy of the lease and phoned the landlords directly. (He has no fear of the phone). He spoke to them and everything was fine. He failed to find out when they were actually going to provide a signed copy, but the conversation was positive and pleasant.

(It's 4 days later and I still have not seen that lease)

I'm trying to not over-react. I just want to know what is happening. I get like this. I got like this a lot during the visa process and a couple of times, I actually made the situation worse by charging in and not being patient. So I am making myself try to be calm and rationale about this.

My official 'to do' list is looking okay. It's the stuff that I mentally add, but don't write down, that is growing daily.

what i think about when i'm commuting to work

2008-09-05T00:25:00.000-07:00

My job has nothing to do with me. Aside from my compulsion to do a good job; and the fact that I am a total sucker for a good review, I don't really like it. I know I have to work and this is what I do, but I still dream about finding something that I have a passion for. When I work out how many hours of each week, month, year I spend at that desk I get a sad feeling; I wonder if this is what my life is really all about. Was I born to do this.

So I try to read and take an interest in things outside of the 9-5 to keep my brain alive and to basically not give up hope. To remind myself that I am more than that person at the desk. I used to have a much quicker mind and definitely a greater vocabulary than now. I don't want to go back in time, but I wouldn't mind reconnecting a bit with the english student I used to be. Cooking is one of my outlets and I took an intro course in archery this summer. I bought and have failed to learn Photoshop (will do this, I just don't know when). I want to take tennis lessons and sit in on more lectures. I aspire to have my act together enough to actually volunteer regularly somewhere.
Does the stuff make me a better person? Or do I become a better person and then the stuff I do becomes better?

My daily commute right now goes like this: get up about 6:30, shower, dress, etc...and out the door by 7:15 for a 7:27 tube. Sit on tube for about 40-45 minutes. Exit tube station and then a 15-20 minute walk to my office. In the evenings I leave work, walk 15-20 minutes to the station, take a 5 minute tube to waterloo station and then catch a train which is anywhere from 15-25 minutes depending on how many stops. On a good day I can be home in an hour. On a bad day it takes me 1.5+ hours to get to work in the morning.

When we move, my daily commute will go something like this: get up, have coffee, watch a bit of tv, maybe read for a bit or go for a run. Leave apartment, walk 10 minutes, be at desk. I will get, on average, 2 hours a day back in my life. My commute home will be 10 minutes. This excites me more than it should. Also means that in about a year when we want to buy a house, I'm going to be so spoilt that any sort of journey that does not soley involve walking will feel like a big, huge burden.

Day One

2008-09-03T04:19:00.000-07:00

Well, this is very exciting. similar to getting a new piece of elctronic equipment and not wanting to tear the protective cover off just yet. A new blog. A new place to write. A determination to not be all angsty and stuff. I'm struggling to find what I feel is my 'true' voice and hopefully over time, I'll get there with this site.

Husband and I decided approximately 2.5 years ago that it would be a very good idea to live in the United States. Not a big stretch for me, as I am from there and I guess everyone assumed that one day I would return home. At that time we were not married and so once we had done that, it seem natural to explore the actual possibilty of moving. Boy, were we naive. It's a long and sort of boring story, full of ups and downs and quite a lot of swear words, but in the end we got the visa and he's now got a temporary green card and all is well in the world.

A little over two weeks ago, we flew to the states to get his visa stamped and get some other stuff sorted out. I worried for most of the flight that there would be a problem at immigration, but it was all fine and we were blinking in the sunlight in under 30 minutes. I felt weird for the first day or two - all unsure of our decision and suddenly missing our flat in London. Sometimes I get pangs of homesickness and it's the most unsettling of feelings because I don't even know what home I want to go to. That's how I felt when we arrived.
It went away though and as things started to go well, we both became very excited about it all. I met up with some old friends and I saw my family and it all started to feel very, very right.

Now I'm back in London for about 6 weeks to sort things out on this side of the pond and I'm anxious to get back. Which is far favorable to the feelings of being unsure. Either I am practical or I am fickle because my allegiance to here has suddenly been replaced by my desire to be there.

I am both full of fond memories for here while also containing a stomach of butterflies for there. I want to run and smile and also hide under the duvet. I am conflicted and thrilled...I am probably just about right for this time of big change.

We got back on Saturday morning and fought the jet lag to see REM at Twickenham. I loved the show and thanks to the 3 red bulls I consumed, I enjoyed it all. The fact that we were home within 15 minutes thanks to the free bus service and also able to pick up take-away Indian food made it a near perfect night. Standing in the middle of the stadium with our plastic cups of beer I felt really happy that we still do this stuff. We haven't turned into boring married people yet. Although we did limit ourselves to only 3 beers each, so I guess we are more mature than we used to be.

So far this week I have made thai green prawns & thai fishcakes, salad with grilled halloumi and quorn and hamburgers with fries. The goal is to eat everything the freezer and pantry, so meals may be a little lacking in interest for the next few weeks.